Post by Ernst Robel on Mar 29, 2010 1:19:37 GMT -5
It should have been a nice day to wake up to. The sun was shining, and no guns had yet been fired on the campus, though the day was still young.
But Ernst woke up, and immediately terror made him break into a sweat, his stomach clenching. He held his breath as he pushed his blankets aside- hopelessly tangled after a troubled night of tossing and turning- and crept towards his dresser, hoping that the creak of the loose floorboard didn't wake any of his roommates. Blindly, his hands eased his drawer open, slipping deep inside, to the very bottom, until it felt the rough, stiff fabric of his suit. He hadn't worn it since he had arrived here, but already his mind recalled how the itchy material would make his skin a raw red, make his back stiff and straight and his gaze downcast. Already, he found what little confidence he had gained in his stay at the school scurrying back into the darker corners of his brain, just by feeling this against his skin.
Yanking the suit out a little more frantically than neccessary, he rushed to the bathroom, as quiet as possible. Shutting the door behind him, he stared at himself in the mirror for a long moment. Tried to tell himself that it wasn't fear in his eyes. He wasn't afraid, there was no reason to be afraid. But his wide, terrified reflection stared back. Lies, it shouted. You're lying to me.
He looked away, down at the sink instead. He could hardly meet his own eyes. Father was going to be so disappointed. Though he always was, and Ernst never really expected that to change. If he looked presentable enough, perhaps he wouldn't mind terribly. He hadn't seen his son in so long. He couldn't criticize him so quickly, could he? Ernst pretended to believe that, shivering as he stripped down and turned the shower on. The steam of the hot water calmed him, hissing in his lungs, even as the water scalded his skin. In the shower, he forced himself to think of Elliot. His smile, his confidence, the way Ernst felt when Elliot held him. By the time he got out of the shower, he felt better. Slightly.
His skin felt so fresh, he almost refused to put his suit on. But then his memory supplied him with a picture of what his mother's distain would look like when she saw him. The suit slipped over him, too easily- had he lost weight? He had already been skinny- covering the new him, hiding everything he'd learned here. He looked up at his reflection again, and that helpless feeling returned. The one that had haunted him until he had arrived here.
Once again, he found himself hating the boy who stared back at him.
He ran a brush through his hair, though it hardly helped, and ran away from the mirror, leaving the bathroom door open, letting the dorm room door swing shut behind him, as he practically sprinted to the school's entrance, and pushed through the doors. Less people to see him outside, and if he was lucky, his parents would spot him before they spotted any of the more... Flamboyant students.
Finding a bench almost directly in front of the main entrance, he collapsed onto it, letting his eyes flutter closed. He was so tired...
"Ernst?"
He flinched, fully alert now. Had he really dozed off? Judging by the light, he hadn't. In fact, the only difference to his surroundings were the two painfully familiar figures standing over him. His back snapped straight, fast enough for him to wince.
"Mutti! Vater!" He stood up, arms twisting behind him. "G-guten tag!"
His father pulled away, and Ernst could tell by his expression that already the sharp-eyed man had spotted something wrong with his appearance. Unlike the boy, Mr. Robel kept every inch of his 6'5", built body in control at every moment. He had been in the military, and, looking at him, it was not hard to believe.
"Your collar is up," he said, accent hardly noticable. Jealousy crept into Ernst's stomach.
Another flinch, as his hands jumped to his neck. A quick hand slapped his down, harder than needed.
"I will."
His mother's english was not as strong, but she made up for it with cold pride. Staring at the woman, all tight lines and stern frowns, it was hard to believe she had been born into a simple farming family.
Ernst had always been told they got married for love. It had been a long time since he had believed it.
He felt himself pull back, deep inside. His voice was muted and cowering.
"Ja. Y-yes, Mutti."
But Ernst woke up, and immediately terror made him break into a sweat, his stomach clenching. He held his breath as he pushed his blankets aside- hopelessly tangled after a troubled night of tossing and turning- and crept towards his dresser, hoping that the creak of the loose floorboard didn't wake any of his roommates. Blindly, his hands eased his drawer open, slipping deep inside, to the very bottom, until it felt the rough, stiff fabric of his suit. He hadn't worn it since he had arrived here, but already his mind recalled how the itchy material would make his skin a raw red, make his back stiff and straight and his gaze downcast. Already, he found what little confidence he had gained in his stay at the school scurrying back into the darker corners of his brain, just by feeling this against his skin.
Yanking the suit out a little more frantically than neccessary, he rushed to the bathroom, as quiet as possible. Shutting the door behind him, he stared at himself in the mirror for a long moment. Tried to tell himself that it wasn't fear in his eyes. He wasn't afraid, there was no reason to be afraid. But his wide, terrified reflection stared back. Lies, it shouted. You're lying to me.
He looked away, down at the sink instead. He could hardly meet his own eyes. Father was going to be so disappointed. Though he always was, and Ernst never really expected that to change. If he looked presentable enough, perhaps he wouldn't mind terribly. He hadn't seen his son in so long. He couldn't criticize him so quickly, could he? Ernst pretended to believe that, shivering as he stripped down and turned the shower on. The steam of the hot water calmed him, hissing in his lungs, even as the water scalded his skin. In the shower, he forced himself to think of Elliot. His smile, his confidence, the way Ernst felt when Elliot held him. By the time he got out of the shower, he felt better. Slightly.
His skin felt so fresh, he almost refused to put his suit on. But then his memory supplied him with a picture of what his mother's distain would look like when she saw him. The suit slipped over him, too easily- had he lost weight? He had already been skinny- covering the new him, hiding everything he'd learned here. He looked up at his reflection again, and that helpless feeling returned. The one that had haunted him until he had arrived here.
Once again, he found himself hating the boy who stared back at him.
He ran a brush through his hair, though it hardly helped, and ran away from the mirror, leaving the bathroom door open, letting the dorm room door swing shut behind him, as he practically sprinted to the school's entrance, and pushed through the doors. Less people to see him outside, and if he was lucky, his parents would spot him before they spotted any of the more... Flamboyant students.
Finding a bench almost directly in front of the main entrance, he collapsed onto it, letting his eyes flutter closed. He was so tired...
"Ernst?"
He flinched, fully alert now. Had he really dozed off? Judging by the light, he hadn't. In fact, the only difference to his surroundings were the two painfully familiar figures standing over him. His back snapped straight, fast enough for him to wince.
"Mutti! Vater!" He stood up, arms twisting behind him. "G-guten tag!"
His father pulled away, and Ernst could tell by his expression that already the sharp-eyed man had spotted something wrong with his appearance. Unlike the boy, Mr. Robel kept every inch of his 6'5", built body in control at every moment. He had been in the military, and, looking at him, it was not hard to believe.
"Your collar is up," he said, accent hardly noticable. Jealousy crept into Ernst's stomach.
Another flinch, as his hands jumped to his neck. A quick hand slapped his down, harder than needed.
"I will."
His mother's english was not as strong, but she made up for it with cold pride. Staring at the woman, all tight lines and stern frowns, it was hard to believe she had been born into a simple farming family.
Ernst had always been told they got married for love. It had been a long time since he had believed it.
He felt himself pull back, deep inside. His voice was muted and cowering.
"Ja. Y-yes, Mutti."
