I'm Sorry I Can't be Perfect {Espio}

[Yukio Alexis LeBeau]

He hadn’t planned to enjoy this day. Talking about family was hard enough nowadays, but actually seeing them interact, seeing happy faces, angry faces... indifference, even... it hurt much more than he could imagine. He convinced himself he wouldn’t even mind if his family was mad at him, or ignoring him, as long as he had one, as long as they showed up, as long as he could talk through the silence, make believe that they cared, or listened, that they weren’t looking away at something more interesting, something better than himself. It would hurt, but at least he could see them, have some sort of memory of home, of that place that had comforted him before... before everything--before he told. Dieu, why did he tell? Why would he let his sister convince him that they wouldn’t mind? That they already knew? They had had to know... he hadn’t hid it, really... well, perhaps a little. He tried to talk of the girls at his school as if he actually liked their appearances. He didn’t, not in the sense as he wanted to date them, to touch them as he longed to touch Espio, every time he saw him. No... Yukio LeBeau had been gay as long as he knew the sense of longing, after he knew it was wrong, even when he was so young. He hadn’t planned to enjoy this day, this day that reminded him of his errors, of his miscalculations... of everything he couldn’t do, could never be, could never correct. This was his weight to bare, this was his pain. He couldn’t remember the last time his chest hadn’t pained, beyond times simply with Espio... Everyone else.. reminded him. Kohaku was the worst. Every moment with him, Yukio loved, and dreaded. His Papa here reminded him, with simply existing, that he didn’t have, nor ever would have again, an actual papa, one that actually knows... No one could ever know. Espio knew, and that was enough. No one else needed to know.

He didn’t want people to know...

Espio knowing... that had.. been a moment of weakness, weakness that Yukio couldn’t afford any longer, not on this day. He couldn’t tell anyone else. Someone else knew… but.. for some reason, he couldn’t remember who. His mind was foggy lately. He couldn’t think. He needed to think. He really did, but could he? No. His grades were worsening. Almost everything was a ‘C’. He studied for hours every day, and nothing came of it but a headache and weariness. He couldn’t think anymore. Every time he had to think, his mind drifted to something else, to his parents, to Japan, to France, to Espio… He couldn’t think. He couldn’t focus anymore. Part of him wished that his parents would send a letter, say that everything was okay, but… he knew they never would. He knew even more that, even if he still was their son, they wouldn’t treat him any differently than they had within the months before they sent him here. He should be happy, though, right? He had Espio, who was more than kind to him, more than patient with his stupidity. He’d fallen asleep away from him too long. He wondered, in the back of his mind, if Epsi-kun thought he was sleeping away from him because he didn’t love him… It was wrong, yes, but people often thought wrong things. Yukio knew, at least, that he would die before he ever stopped loving Espio. Honestly, he would rather die, than to ever stop loving Espio… Espio was his life, practically. He couldn’t live without him. He refused. It was already hard enough living without a family… without a love, without some sort of foundation, he had nothing. Friends only took you so far, less when they hardly knew anything was wrong because he refused to tell. He couldn’t tell. He didn’t need anyone to pity him, if they did. He didn’t want that… He just… wanted his home again. In the nights, he curled with Espio, and watched him sleep, because he didn’t trust himself to his own dreams. He shouldn’t complain, he knew. There was worse than being as he was, than his dreams were, but he couldn’t stand crying in front of Espio again. His Espi deserved someone stronger than that, and Yukio didn’t want to worry him with petty issues, petty dreams. He didn’t mind watching him sleep, even if he himself had grown so tired as of late. He stayed awake as long as he could.

If he was tired enough, he couldn’t dream.

That was his goal.

He hadn’t expected them to ever see him again. Even less, he hadn’t expected them to show up, to ever set foot in a place such as this, this horrible, infested school, filled to the brim with heathens and daemons, sinners and fiends. He had slipped into his room, then stilled. His mother looked wonderful, as always. She adorned a pale blue dress, a style quite like in the American 20s, and a deep purple sweater was on her shoulders, matching the heels on her thin feet. Her black hair was streaked with grey, the only tell-tale of her internal stress, beyond the thin lines on her face, the weariness in her dark eyes. She was speaking lowly with her ex-husband, Yukio’s real papa… He looked… tired--more so than Yukio remembered him ever being before. There were dark bags under his blue eyes, and he was chubbier than he had remembered before. His hair has more grey than mama’s, but his face had less lines etched into his skin. His clothes were less fancy, more.. comfortable. He had a navy blue sweat-shirt and khaki pants with a trim, tucked over dirtied tennis-shoes. Behind his mother, Yukiko was perched upon his bed, wearing a sundress and a large sunhat with a blue ribbon tied around it, white tennis-shoes on her feet. She was the first to look at him when he entered and held him in her gaze with indifference at best. She never quite cared, but Yukio didn’t mind. She was sweet, sometimes… sometimes. In the split moment between sudden quiet and the surprise upon his parents’ faces, Yukio thought that they might be taking him back. Why else would they be here? A sudden happiness filled his heart, a warmth that mended his lost mind and held him, as he had so longed to be held, by a family member, by his parents, or a sibling. A smile tugged at his lips, tensed shoulders finally easing for the first time in weeks. “Papa.. Mama…” He went to touch them, to hug them tightly, but as he etched forward, they etched back, and his heart sank once more, his smile hinting on desperation as a sneer marred his mother’s face.

“We aren’t here to chat, you disgusting little thing.”

Everything stilled. Yukio’s shoulders tensed and dropped as he straightened away from them, a recoil of shame and harm. “I.. I’m sorry, I thought… It’s Parents’ day, I just… thought… maybe, you’d forgiven me…” He tried not to stutter. He really did, but his throat was tight and threatening to close entirely, never to open for words again. He dragged his eyes to the floor, hiding away as if they couldn’t know, as if they cared enough to take him back. He heard his papa sigh and move away from them, quiet. He was always quiet, but Yukio knew that he hated him as much as mama did. His silence voiced as much as her bitter comments, and, still, he hoped… Maybe she was just in a bad mood? Maybe they really were going to take him back, pay attention to him as they had before, smile and laugh with him again… He prayed, and he hoped, and wished, every night, that they would say it was a joke, that they accepted his failures, his short-comings, his… being.

“Forgive you for being a little cock-sucker? Iie. Never. We’re returning your things. Neither of us want to keep them, and it’s not as if you’re coming home with us.”

Yukiko giggled at the language and swung her feet a bit. Yukio simply stared at the ground, distrusting to do anything else but. He didn’t want to look at them. It hurt, so much, to stare at something he’d never get to touch again, never get to curl up with, sipping cocoa in winter, or simply warm milk after a bad day. He had never thought parents mattered so much to him before they were ripped away from him, and, now… he couldn’t survive properly without them. He had no family… He had planned on pretending Kohaku was his new papa, but he didn’t know how much that meant to him. He didn’t know how much he clung to that thought, and shoved it away. He didn’t trust himself to have another papa, not with his own in his room now, ignoring his petty existence, ignoring his mistake… That’s what Yukio was, right? A mistake, at least as a son. He knew for a fact that he was, and he didn’t want to burden anyone else with his being, least of all Kohaku, who already had so much to deal with, Ashton most of all, his son already. So, Yukio pretended, and it had worked for a bit, before he realized that, if Kohaku really was his papa, then he wouldn’t love him… That was how it worked. Yukio was a friend and lover. He’d never be a son again, not to anyone, because no one in their right minds would want him to be such a close thing, such a damn liability, a pathetic waste of space. Kohaku would never have him. Honestly… Yukio wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t want to talk to him if he figured out what happened. After all, he didn’t talk to Ashton very much, and he was his adopted son. Why would he talk to someone who was worse? A worse son, a worse person… just another boy who called him ‘papa’… Kohaku didn’t need that. He already had so much stress, he didn’t need Yukio to put more on him. Yukio tried so hard to take the stress away… He didn’t want to make him frown, to fake his smiles, to lie to him… like he did Ashton. Still, his thoughts were drifting, and it was obvious. His hearing was doubtful, but a sharp slap against the side of his cheek woke him once more. His eyes snapped wide as his face jerked away from the pain, and he slowly rose a hand to touch the mark.

Wet…

He was bleeding… Yukio’s eyes moistened, but he refused to let the tears go. He couldn’t, not here, not in front of them. They’d make fun of him, call him a girl, call him weak. He couldn’t do that. He refused… refused to be mocked like that, refused to let them see anything, see any tear, any grimace of pain. He shook and trembled. His papa snapped—they couldn’t hurt him, someone would see. Their reputations might be ruined! Then mumbled that this, of course, didn’t seem to matter to her, since she was a cheating bitch. They started arguing, loudly, and Yukio simply stood where he was, trembling, and trying so hard to ignore the dispute. He glanced at the boxes next to his bed. His things… all in three boxes… Why was it that his life was so small…? Did they burn some of his things, too? The things they thought would infect them with… disgust. Why would they want him? He had nothing to give. He had no fake smiles to comfort them with. He had no lies anymore. Everything was out in the open—his likes, his love… Espio. He couldn’t hide Espio away from them anymore, and he didn’t want to. Espio was better to him than they ever had been. He would never dispute that. Still… Espio wasn’t his family. He was his lover. It was different. The argument quieted only when his sister piped up that she was hungry and bored. His papa consoled her as his mama glared at him, as if it was his fault… Wasn’t it? He knew it was.

“I’m sorry, mama…”

“Don’t ever call me that. You have no mama, do you understand me?”

Gently, he nodded and looked at the floor, ignoring the blood on his cheek. She snarled and turned to speak to her daughter sweetly, comforting, as she had many times spoke to him, after a nightmare, or a bad day. He missed that, so much. So, he put on a tone of indifference and looked away. His papa saw it… so he went to him and gripped his chin, turned his face to his mama and sister. He sniffed and tensed. “I hear it’s beautiful outside of the orphanages this time of year.” Papa’s voice was soft in his ear and Yukio’s heart clenched tightly into his throat. He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t cry. Gently, he whimpered, and papa frowned gently, as if he regretted this… but he didn’t. The look was gone in a matter of seconds, and his son’s displeasure was forgotten. “Not inside, of course. Inside is cold… Get some blankets. We didn’t give you any of ours.” Yukio trembled softly. “I’m sorry, Papa…” He was sorry. He was so sorry. He didn’t mean to be a bad son. He didn’t mean to disappoint them… He tried so hard. He tried so hard to please them. He wanted to please them! He wanted them to be happy about him… They hated him. His papa tightened his grip on his chin. “Not enough to change, though, hn? You probably bend over for anyone here. You were always weak.” He wanted to yell at him. He wanted to scream. Jesus! He wanted to yell... He trembled and whimper. He wasn't... He didn't! He was Espio's, only Espio's! He wasn't... He didn't bend over for them, he didn't spread his legs for them... no one but Espio!

“Whore.”

OOC :: Jeeze, this is soooo baaaad... I'm so sorry ;w;

[Espionage Akero]

It had taken quite the long time for Espio to escape from his own family. They had said things about going out to eat together and spending some quality family time together as well. Espio wasn't pleased that his parents were at the school. They didn't even like him. They put him up with him and didn't care, but they liked their nephews better than him. Then again, Rudy was a perfect child and Espio would hate his parents if they didn't love that boy. But Josha? Espio didn't understand how they could like Joshua more than him. Maybe it was because Espio locked himself in his room all day with his computer while Joshua actually went out and did things. Oh yes, he did things all right. He ran right away from home. His parents seemed so happy when they got to see their nephews and niece again and it only pissed Espio off that he got less attention than his cousins did. So there they had been, trying to make him go out to eat with them. At least they seemed to want him around. But Espio still refused to go. If he had to, he wanted to bring Yukio with him. He wanted Yukio to have the chance to meet his parents.

So Espio explained to his dear old ma and pa that he wanted to find Yukio first before they went anywhere. He could only really hope that they wouldn't just leave without him. He quickly wondered where in the school Yukio would be and instantly thought that the dorm room was as good a place as any to check first. He didn't seem to be as excited or afraid as everyone else was about this event. The entire walk to the room, he yawned rather boredly and kept running hands through his hair. Espio didn't wear his hat today. He'd left it in his room under the covers of his bed because he didn't want to look like a dork when meeting up with his family. Rudy probably would have appreciated seeing the hat and Faery too. But Joshua would laugh at him and Siri probably would have too. So he lacked his hat. He dressed today is simple baggy, worn out and torn jeans with a black zip up hoodie, half unzipped, to mostly cover the plane white t-shirt underneath. His shoes were meant to be black but looked more brown at this point and were worn out with one of the shoe laces untied. He was too lazy to tie it up. If anything, he looked more like a normal teenage boy than ever. Of course, with the exception of his sea foam green hair.

Espio twisted the doorknob to his dorm, finding that it was thankfully already unlocked. He yawned again and pushed his way inside. Yukio was there. But Espio had been hoping to find the boy alone. Not with a couple other people. He stared for a long moment, looking the couple over and not really paying any mind to the child behind them. It was parent day and Espio could see the resemblance. He could only assume that this was the father and mother to Yukio, especially because they looked old enough to be parents and there was no other student in the room from this school except Yukio and himself. Espio was rather silent for a long moment, leaning against the door frame before daring to step forward. "This is just some sort of little party..." Espio trailed off before he came to stand at Yukio's side. He forced on a smile and gave a happy laugh, the happiness being forced as well. "And I wasn't even invited? Huh... Espio Akero. A pleasure to meet you all." He gave a bow of his head and even dared to hold his hand out to them. Particularly toward the father seeing as that he was the one standing there right in front of Yukio. It only seemed right that he introduced themselves before he knocked their lights out. Doesn't everyone love to know the name of the person who beat them up? Espio surely would.

[Yukio Alexis LeBeau]

He honestly couldn’t pay any mind to the opening door. His mind wasn’t working again. It never did these days. The nightmares had been bad, but he had to admit... this was at least a little better. The irony, though.. that, of all days... they came now.... It was overwhelming, impossible to ignore, as impossible as it was to make this feeling fade away. Complete and utter despair, heartache... Hell, if he thought it was bad when Sorrow... No... This was much, much worse. He could hardly breathe, or at least, he didn’t think that he could. He was, thankfully, but his chest hurt, so badly. He wanted to curl up and die, just die... They had been so close before. And now this..? Just because he liked boys, his whole world fell apart, and as much as he wanted to believe Espio could fix it all, he couldn’t. It wasn’t the same, his love and his parents’, his family’s love. It was all different. He wanted a papa... a real papa. Kohaku wouldn’t do. He’d hate him, as soon as he knew how much he meant. If not hate, at least ignore. He did to Ashton, and Ashton’s parents had wanted him. What did it say about Yukio... when his own parents didn’t want him anymore..? Problem children could change, problem children were wanted by their parents, because they still loved them--but someone like Yukio? No. There was nothing to make that better, someone like him. He was the ultimate disappointment, and he knew that. But he couldn’t change... He couldn’t. He could stop dancing--he hadn’t since he got the letter anyway. He could stop playing violin.. piano... He could stop painting, stop drawing. He could stop wearing skirts and dresses, and rainbows. He could stop smiling and take up mechanics. He could be interested in sports, and cars. ... He could do those things... he couldn’t stop being gay. He couldn’t force himself to be with any woman. But, most of all, he couldn’t force himself to break away from Espio. Espi-kun was the only reason he wasn’t dead by now. Espio.. and Nabe, and Ernst... Kohaku... They needed him. Nabe needed a friend. Ernst needed protection. Kohaku needed an escape, a smile. And Espio... he needed... a whore... like papa said.

The sudden voice shook him and he snapped his head to look at his Espi... He almost smiled. As much pain as he was in, he was still, if not much more, happy to see his boyfriend, his Espi... He wanted to move to him, to curl up and hide, try to ignore the three before him, as if they hadn’t just destroyed him. He knew Espio wouldn’t make it all go away... but he had helped him forget before. He could now, right? He could when Yukio had no hope left, nothing to cling to but him and the people here... But when he had to leave here, he wouldn’t get to see Kohaku smile anymore. He wouldn’t get to help Ernst, or make sure Nabe doesn’t die from his position without Break. He’d practically have nothing but Espio, if that... Hell... part of him wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t want him after a couple of years... his parents didn’t... That same part was.. rather surprised that his parents put up with him for so long. Yukio didn’t deserve it, and he certainly didn’t deserve Espio... but he prayed so hard, each night, that Espio would never realize that, that he would still love him, above each flaw, each mistake, each senseless outfit, each ugly painting, each screeched, uneven note... He was a selfish little bitch, but he knew he wouldn’t survive after school without Espio... He would do anything to keep him. Hell... He’d do anything to keep the others. Everyone, all of his friends... but if his parents didn’t want him, why would his friends..? He was annoying and overprotective. They wouldn’t want him around after a while.... Especially Papa.... And still, Yukio smiled to his Espi, very slight, horribly forced, and obviously strained, but he managed it, which was more than he had thought he could...

He could see his papa hesitate heavily at the hand stretched to him. Yukio watched, nervous and tense, but at least Espi-kun was near him. He could cling to him if he wanted to. He was.. so close... After a small pause, his papa took his hand, gripping it weakly as he gave a faint “Bonjour, Espio...” He even managed a small smile at him, something that rather surprised Yukio. He expected him to turn him down--to be wary that he would become infected with his homosexuality. What he didn’t find in his papa, however, he certainly found in his mother. Her face was twisted into disgust, brow crinkled, lips upturned. Her hands were gripped into tight fists at her sides, staring at the clasped hands as if they held every inch of evil in the world, all the Sodom and Gomorrah of the bible, in the touch of skin, from his papa, to his very gay boyfriend. Yukio tensed his shoulders a little, but his papa let go of his hand--still, his mama looked as if she was going to vomit in the nearest loo. She scowled at Espio, leveled her eyes to his green hair and non-flashy clothes. “What a disgusting little fag,” She paused and flicked her eyes to Yukio, who stiffened and ducked his head immediately. “At least he isn’t you.” Yukiko sighed heavily and pulled at her mama’s sleeve, whining to leave again. Yukio tried his best not to listen, to pay attention. Papa said nothing, neither a jeering comment, nor a defending one. Yukio wasn’t expecting the latter, at least...

“Gomen, Espi-ku--”

“Don’t apologize, queer.”

He glanced to his mama, then bit his tongue and obeyed. He ducked his head and covered his bleeding cheek with his hand.

Hopefully, Espio didn’t notice...

[Espionage Akero]

At that instant, though it was just a simple touch of the hand, Espio decided that Yukio's father was not a bad man. He seemed kind enough and was willing to touch him. Even a hello, though it was in French, was always a good sign. So Espio didn't hesitate to smile rather warmly back at the man. It seemed that Espio had been practicing his smiling because he use to not be able to force smiles on his face. Thankfully, that one didn't have to be forced so much. "You know, if it weren't for dear little Yukio, I probably wouldn't know what words like Bonjour meant," Espio admitted with a soft laugh. He was trying to lighten the mood. It seemed like some sort of killing might have been about to go on when he walked in there. He had to fix that. No killing was about to go on in that dorm room and neither was any fighting. Unless it was Espio throwing the punches. Oh, how his fists itched to hit some deserving bastard at this point.

For a moment, Espio watched the woman in the room, tilting his head curiously as he listened to her words. She seemed like such a violent woman. And that man over there married this woman? He could do better. He could do so much better. But they produced Yukio and Espio was thankful for that because life wouldn't be the same without that boy. He listened to the woman insult him and listened to her insult her own son. He heard Yukio apologize and the woman get angry for him doing such a simple thing. "You know, being a fag is kind of fun. There are so many advantages to the whole gay thing. No pregnancy, no worrying about birth control! And we don't have to worry about the female in the relationship turning into a bitch like you," he pointed out rather calmly, his smile not even faltering at his insults toward her. If anything, he smiled more. He hoped that Yukio didn't mind the fact that he was insulting his mother. But she was a bitch. How could she treat her own son like this? So what if he was gay? That shouldn't make any difference. He was still her son. The shared blood in their veins was proof of that.

Espio let out a deep sigh as he ran a hand through his hair. He walked right over to the woman, not even bothering to show a trace of fear. He'd been through worse than whatever this woman could dish out. Day in and day out, he'd been a target of bullying since he arrived here. Maybe he should be thankful to Nyash for the constant bullying. At least now, he wasn't afraid of this woman because there wasn't anything she could say to hurt him. He crossed his arms over his chest and stood up straight, though Espio had never been all that tall in the first place, he was trying to feel taller. "I would hope that you're aware of the fact that you're in a school for gay kids. I would also hope that you know that many of us don't approve of your kind. You... homophobes," Espio paused a moment and gave a soft laugh along with a quick shrug of his shoulders. He couldn't be a hypocrite now. That would be completely wrong. "Now, don't get me wrong, I use to be a lot like you. I believed that everyone who loved their own gender deserved to be burned or cured. I thought it was a disease, really. But I was wrong. Now, what I'm saying is... there are people who hate gays and would like them dead. But there are people who hate homophobes.. and would like them dead too. Now think of how many gay kids are in this school... think of how many people here hate you... and then ask yourself how great your chances of getting out of here unharmed are if the people here knew that you were treating your son like shit." Espio paused there and raised an eyebrow. Maybe he was talking too much. But he was trying to make his point clear. He wanted this woman to know that she was wrong, not gay people. It was her and her kind that was all wrong. He turned his back to the woman and crossed his arms behind his head as he gave a rather carefree laugh. "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you'll get out of here alive... or maybe I'll contact the right people and have you dead before you leave Spain. Anything's possible here with these people."